It’s that festive time of year when decent, honest boozers are plagued by non-drinkers. And not real non-drinkers, not people who don’t ever drink, they’re fine.
We’re talking about people who don’t go near a pub for 11 months out of the year!!
Here’s a guide on how to not be quite so awful
DO NOT APPROACH THE BAR UNTIL YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT
The bar is NOT the place to think or choose or decide.
DON’T START DRINKING AT 4pm
You’re NOT a drinker. We haven’t seen you all year. You’re an amateur, so don’t start out with a marathon.
YOU ARE IN A ROUND
I don’t care who you’re with, how many of you there are or how well you know them. You are in a round with all the people you came in with. That’s how it works.
KNOW WHERE YOU ARE
Look around you. What kind of drinking establishment are you in? Is it a pub or a bar?
We’re a pub adorned with wood furnishings and hand-pulls, so stop trying to get the landlord to make that s***ty cocktail you saw on Sex And The City
HOT GIRLS GET SERVED FIRST
Welcome to Western Civilization.
Our music has been specifically selected to offend the least amount of people and I like it. If you want anything else, then you want to be at a club or a gig.
Newsflash: You are NOT next. You might have been in the bar queue longer than anybody else, but that doesn’t mean you’re next.
Do you know why? Because there are no ‘Official Rules Of Queueing At The Bar.’ The bartender is 100% in charge of who is next. So do not p*** them off.
If an old bloke sat at the bar gets served before you do, and the bartender knows him by name and even seems to know what he’s drinking before he orders it – that’s Bob. Bob drinks here all the time. Bob drinks here five times a week, every week. Bob’s custom pays the bills.
Bob and the other Regulars keep the pub open eleven months of the year whilst you’re having dinner parties and bulk-buying booze from the supermarket. Yes, they get preferential treatment. Accept it.
TIME IS TIME (sometimes)
Pubs don’t stop serving because they hate you (that’s a lie, sometimes they do) or because it’s funny or because they get bored of selling beer.
It’s a legal requirement for them to stop serving at a designated time. Once Time is called, they are legally unable to sell anymore beer.
You cannot cajole them into selling more, because it’s a legal requirement. You cannot bribe them into selling more, either with the promise of drinks or money, because it’s a legal requirement.